you want pictures??

ok, this was taken by me on sunday. i clean the litter box, do laundry, etc (things i don't like to do) while wearing my tiara. this day was no exception. only i hadn't showered or even brushed my hair. so, this is just a headshot - you're not going to be able to see my full bod yet to see for yourselves that the 85 pounds are gone...but that's too bad. OH WELL. i'll get a full bod pic soon.

it's me!

feeling much better.

many pounds lost.

must post a picture soon.

down about 85lbs. EEK!!

update

repeated from rebecca at large

2 days ago i was at the hospital, again, from 9am to 7pm. blood taken, iv fluids given (including potassium which i was seriously lacking!) another ct scan and more xrays. nothing was found in any of it. that would seem like good news, but it doesn't help explain why i'm so sick and feel so horrible and in pain when i'm conscious.

i made an appointment for next friday for an endoscopy so they can look and see if there's something amiss that they couldn't find in the other snapshots. and, they will blow open my "pouch" (the new stomach) to make it less tight - in hopes that that will make me feel better. i hope it works.

needless to say, i'm not sleeping because i can't get comfortable. pain all over my torso, especially around my ribcage and in between my ribcage where the pouch is. i'm constantly (TMI ALERT!) puking up "foam" (saliva) and it is getting harder and harder to drink water. oh yeah, i haven't had anything in the way of food since last thursday. i could care less about that - but the water thing really bothers me. water is starting to taste bad to me (did you know water had a taste??) i've been drinking aquafina - which used to taste the best to me! and i tried the cold water from the fridge dispenser. that too tasted weird. almost sweet. today i'm drinking evian - and cold, it is ok...but room temp - it isn't. problem is, cold doesn't work for my pouch.

all this has me so depressed...you don't even know. and there's nothing anyone can do for me. so this is creating stress at home. hubby is very, very stressed out. i keep telling him if i could will this away, i would. and that i'm not doing this TO him. if i could feel better - god, i would in a second. i don't enjoy this.

yeah, i've lost 84 lbs. great. i'd gain them all back to feel better.

thank you for all of your well-wishes and prayers. please, please keep them coming.

until then, here's the beeb.

i know i'm not keeping up with this

i haven't been taking pictures or blogging.

i've been feeling like crap. that's the truth.

however, i've lost almost exactly 80 lbs.

i can't enjoy it. there have been about 5 days total since 8/7 that i've felt good.

so.

that's the update.

1 month pic

hard to tell, but between the first pic on this blog, and this pic (not a great shot of me, i'm aware...no makeup, not standing straight, don't have a great bra on...i just don't care these days) i have lost about 40 lbs. between the lost 20lbs prior to my surgery, and today, my total loss is almost 60 lbs. not that i care, honestly. i'm exhausted, and tired of being sick and tired. spent yesterday in the hospital getting more IV fluids, same as friday. i feel better today, but i'm holding my breath because i've felt this way before only to slide back into misery in a day. so...i'm not counting my chickens.

i am angry with the tv because it is filling my head hunger. all the stouffer's and lean cuisine ads for their chicken asiago panini's (which i've loved for like a year) as well as tyson chicken strips ads, and the new pizza hut ads with dipping sauce pizza (CHRIST, satan is out to get me, i swear) is making me absolutely crazy. i'm not an idiot. i know those things are part of what got me here today. but being here today, i don't CARE about the weight loss. i wish i hadn't done it and could live a normal life. do you know i haven't had anything but liquids pass these lips (except for a few dry stray cheerios) for 5 weeks???? anyone who thinks this surgery is the easy way out is out of their mind.

Nothing New

Life still sucks, bigtime.

That is all.

sick. sucks.

been very, very sick this weekend. and very, very depressed.

started the dry heaving and nausea on saturday and didn't let up...well it hasn't let up yet.

it is possible that it is from not getting in enough water. i admit i've not been as good at it since my mom left. it is hard when it makes you nauseus. but they say i'm nauseus because i'm not getting in the water. go figure. it is hard to get the protein shake down, still, too.

so, now i'm focusing on water. because if i get dehydrated, i'll have to go into the hospital for iv's of fluid, and they may have a hard time trying to find a vein to get the iv in if i'm dehydrated...and after the last 4 episodes of being poked, i don't want to experience that again. i still have bruises at my veins from the iv from the hospital during surgery. i'm one of those people that it hurts even when it isn't supposed to. i can feel it in my arm.

so, i'm exhausted, down, and...just not feeling good at all. sure, i'm losing weight, but at what cost right now? i'm not sure it is worth it.

they say between week 8 and 12 i will feel a switch flip and will feel great.

6 more weeks to go!

it is hard

so...today started great. felt fine. strong, even.

then i went out with my hubby to run errands and immediately started to feel sore and nauseus and painful.

came home, and in a bit, started to get sick. first time i really felt like vomiting since this whole surgery thing, and first time dry heaving.

yes i know, TMI

i'm very, very discouraged right now. i know, i know that it is still early days for me. and i'm still healing. but my gosh this is tough. and i knew it would be. i'm not expecting any of this to be easy. i really didn't. but living it and being prepared for it are two different things.

yes, i know that the result is worth it (in a year) but right now, it is SO HARD to get through each day.

i know you all have been there, and gone through it. and looking at the positive is a better way to be. but, right now, i'm just so SICK of being sick and tired all the time.

i know it gets better.

i know all these things. logically and intellectually i grasp it.

it's just physically and emotionally it hasn't quite hit yet.

i told a support person i would keep a blog/journal so that i could look back when i've hit my goal at how hard it was and how bad i felt and can compare it to how good i feel (when i hit goal). it is helping to "write" it down. but...if only it could help with the nausea, dry heaving, gagging down the protein drinks, and despondency.

some days i don't know how i'll make it thru to another day. i just want to curl up with my cat and disappear.

honestly, i knew it was going to be tough. but i didn't expect it to be THIS tough.

i know, i know. carry on. look forward, not backwards. be positive. do my best. keep on trucking.

I'm OK

two days ago i had to make a trip to the ER because of some pain in my stomach/abdomen area.

after a ct scan and 8 hrs later, i'm fine.

had a problem also with my mouth - pain and swelling in my gums. but i'm ok. just have to work it thru.

i've been totally overly emotional lately, too. i have done lots of reading and stuff and this is totally normal. i'm purging toxins from my body, so i'm also purging emotions. getting rid of old thoughts and feelings.

this is truly a transformation of many many sorts.

i'm doing ok, and i'm healing. but i have to give myself a break, and realize this is not like having lap band surgery....it is going to take me more than 2 wks to feel better and to be healed.

i'll keep you posted. i'm doing just fine though!

MOUTH PAIN!!!

it is either thrush, trench mouth or necrotic gingivitis. but, whatever it is, i look like marlon brando and am in complete agony.

surgery? what surgery? my mouth is on fire and throbbing and i want to die!!!!!!

New Me

this will be a blog tracking my journey after weight loss surgery. mostly, i will use it to post my pictures along the way, so that when i reach my goal, i will be able to look back and see how far i've come.